I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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