Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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