Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
