Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize