I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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