He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
