I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish there were birth control emojis
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
