sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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