Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
