If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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