I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
