nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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