i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
