Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
