you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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