you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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