He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
