There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
