oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize