I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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