I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
