dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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