just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
