I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
