god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
They have beer where we have blood.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
