He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
