he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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