you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
