wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
