I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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