theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I believe in your delicious
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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