i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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