Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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