I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
