My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
im holly from the hills drunk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
