My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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