i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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