Will you blow on my dice?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need moral support for this bender
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
