I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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