why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
