sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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