somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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