I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
