There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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