When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
wakey wakey hands off snakey
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
