Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
