The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
