and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
