I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
