just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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