You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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