I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
