my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
