Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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