I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
