i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
