fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
