i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
