I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
